||[07-16-08 10:30 PM]
It was so cold there today and I didn't feel like doing anything at all, anything, except exploring and perusing tattoo parlors and gaudy knick knack shops. And my heart felt so warm and cold at the same time and I'm just left really confused and maybe somewhat wounded. Maybe I'll fix things later.|
I saw a past flame and I was so embarrassed and ashamed of being embarrassed and ashamed of being ashamed and frustrated that things had ended up that way and all I wanted were arms around me telling me things would be OK, that I shouldn't always break down and get so nervous when I see people from my past. He wasn't important, not really, not at all, but still. I find myself running away in fright each time I have to confront the (weirder? frustrating? more awkward?) hard-to-explain ghosts of my past, even if they're recent. Some days, most days, (everyday), I wish I would choose fight instead of flight. On the ride back on BART, I kept on running over images of him and him in my head, imagining how things would have turned out had I chosen just to walk in and acknowledge the fact that he did hold some sort of victory over me, but that I was able and capable enough to handle it with a certain degree of faith. That I could walk back in and let him know that he may have won that battle, but he did not win the war and he did not break me. He wasn't that important to me at all, but still. I don't know why this always happens to me.
I wonder what he, the more important he, thought of it.
Today, I came back with an off-colored naked boy keychain that pees when you push his head and a black beanie (both compliments of Duey), some more green tea wasabi peanuts from TenRen, another Moleskine notebook (because I'm so greedy when it comes to art supplies), two yellow toy automobiles (albeit, one is in Evelyn's purse), a very special plushie named Malfi that I also left in Evelyn's purse, and a considerable increase in emotional confusion.
Who knows what tomorrow may bring, I guess.