Log in

No account? Create an account
used to be one of the rotten ones [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]


lKJSDLFKJSDLF [07-17-08 11:07 PM]
    But I am probably a poser to say that. STAY IN YOUR OWN GAME, FUCKERS.

    Rant over.

San Francisco [07-16-08 10:30 PM]
    It was so cold there today and I didn't feel like doing anything at all, anything, except exploring and perusing tattoo parlors and gaudy knick knack shops. And my heart felt so warm and cold at the same time and I'm just left really confused and maybe somewhat wounded. Maybe I'll fix things later.
    I saw a past flame and I was so embarrassed and ashamed of  being embarrassed and ashamed of being ashamed and frustrated that things had ended up that way and all I wanted were arms around me telling me things would be OK, that I shouldn't always break down and get so nervous when I see people from my past. He wasn't important, not really, not at all, but still. I find myself running away in fright each time I have to confront the (weirder? frustrating? more awkward?) hard-to-explain ghosts of my past, even if they're recent. Some days, most days, (everyday), I wish I would choose fight instead of flight. On the ride back on BART, I kept on running over images of him and him in my head, imagining how things would have turned out had I chosen just to walk in and acknowledge the fact that he did hold some sort of victory over me, but that I was able and capable enough to handle it with a certain degree of faith. That I could walk back in and let him know that he may have won that battle, but he did not win the war and he did not break me. He wasn't that important to me at all, but still. I don't know why this always happens to me.
    I wonder what he, the more important he, thought of it.
    Today, I came back with an off-colored naked boy keychain that pees when you push his head and a black beanie (both compliments of Duey), some more green tea wasabi peanuts from TenRen, another Moleskine notebook (because I'm so greedy when it comes to art supplies), two yellow toy automobiles (albeit, one is in Evelyn's purse), a very special plushie named Malfi that I also left in Evelyn's purse, and a considerable increase in emotional confusion.

    Who knows what tomorrow may bring, I guess.

Hm, this is a start [07-14-08 02:47 AM]
     I used to call her my best friend and she deleted me off of her Myspace. I know Myspace is irrelevant, but she uses it to make statements whenever she moves around her top 8.
    In any case, I take that as her statement that she wants what's left of our relationship over.

HEY! LOOK WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO! [07-13-08 11:36 PM]
A dress and lots of HELLA'sCollapse )

This is a fictional anecdote [07-11-08 05:02 AM]
    Late at night (early in the morning?) and I hear you fumble on the other side of the line. Fuzzy, so fuzzy, but so clear, too clear. One sharp intake of breath before I realize you might have heard, one heart flutter before I realize you might have felt it, don't want to make it too obvious. Can never make it too obvious, not around you. And all these hints and clues I've been building up and dropping, hoping (knowing) that you would pick them up, but not too sure you would even know they're clues. This could be a clue. Everything could be a clue, but maybe that's too much. Maybe it's too little. Overthink it overthink it because I'm a girl, but maybe you don't realize I'm a girl. And so I hear you fumble and I hear myself fumble and I catch myself.
    And so it goes.
    And I'm a liar, and I am prevaricating, and I am spitting untruths through my teeth but I'm hoping you won't notice. (I'm hoping you will.) I know, I know, I know, but do you know?

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]